***
I've known I was gay since the youngest age I remember: 5,6,7 years old, around there. My family knew, especially my parent's. Having now outed of my closet, they tell me stories of when I was a kid, which is hilarious:
1. Being in basketball, not wanting to play, and the only way the coaches could get me to play was to play with the girl's hair.
2. Being forced to play football, and everyday going out onto the field and saying to my coach: "I'm only here because my dad forced me to!"
3. When I was sick, my dad felt so bad, so he took me to Walmart and was gonna buy me a toy. He was leading me to the action figures and car's section, when I was walking to the girl's section saying "Daddy, I want a barbie doll!"
4. They said the way I acted was feminine and the way I talked gave it all away.
(I find them all freaking hilarious, now out of my closet, but back then I use to find it embarrassing! :))
Since then, I've alway's known that I was different: I was outcasted by classmates for being "too girly" or "weird", and of course I didn't understand what was going on because I was so young, let alone I was unaware of how the way I acted gave everything away. So I was always use to being the weird kid who nobody wanted to be around.
Then once I got to middle school, I was placed in a Lutheran private school which my dad worked at. There, I started to become more aware of who I was: I had an attraction toward guys, and having conservative, bible-stricking, teachers didn't help me at all. It made everything so much worse: telling me that homosexuality (I wasn't out at the time) was a choice, and condemned by God. So there came a point when I become self-destructive: I prayed constantly, crying for God to change me, hurting myself everyday because I was gay and that I was making God hate me for it. Nothing changed, and I asked my parent's questions about how they felt about gay people and gay marriage. They were, and are, very liberal and love gay people and support gay marriage (Later turning out the questions I asked also gave it away).
So after, when the school closed down, I was sent to public school for a year, then returned to a Christian private school. And once again, I was once again hit with the same treatment of homosexual's. But, for some reason, I became more defiant with who I was and became defensive about homosexuality: that it was okay, it wasn't a choice, that they deserve to have children and deserve to get married. Of course, I got the wrath of everybody else's conservative views for it.
Around this time too, I was searching videos on how to come out to your parents, and I found Kyle Mcgee's videos. His spoke to me on a personal level, more than any other videos, because he had the bible thrown at him, yet still believed in God. I never saw a video like that again. I believe in God, but I'm not sure about the specifics of it: what the bible says, debating whether or not the bible has some opinions inside it, or if it contradicts itself. I still conflict with religion today.
I was there also for my tenth grade year, and this time I was more open with myself: I started telling my closest friends, then eventually the entire school found out. Then there was a boundary: there were my friends who supported me, but there were other people that secretly looked down upon me for it, intentionally bringing debates into the classroom and causing me to even regret being at that school in the first place. They acted like they were better than me because "I chose to sin" and acted like they were Righteous and superior to me because of it. They treated me like a gross, Factionless (anybody who's read Divergent knows what I mean xD).
The school was super freaking political, especially since the 2012 election's came around. Of course, everybody brought their bibles out, racist comments and dumb prejudice's because they hate Obama. I understand if you disagreed with him, but these people were just straight up racist, and hated him with a passion. But whatever, can't control everything.
And finally, the good part: with the school being so political, we had a teacher who always talked politic's with us, and there were ton's of arguments about it. It wasn't even school to me at that point because all I heard about was teacher's beliefs and how the school felt about Obama. So, with a certain teacher talking about how gay's shouldn't have kids because they would "influence them to become gay", I admitted I was gay in class in front of the teacher. I told him that I knew a lesbian couple who were republicans and had three children, who are all straight, that being gay wasn't a choice. To them, this raised a red flag--they might as well have performed an exorcism on me!
The next day, I was called to the principles office and she told me that I "offended" the school by admitting I was gay. Added on, she told me she wanted to have a meeting with my parents along with the Pastor about this "issue". I begged her not to, because I wasn't ready to tell them I was gay. Only a gay person know's what it's like being in the closet and not being ready to come out yet; so the fact that she was forcing me to come out made me have no respect for her or that school. My friends were on my side on this: that it was none of their business, they were hypocrites and that this matter didn't involve the school.
So, since my aunt drove me home from school, and I was already out to her, she was livid about it. She had issues with the school already, with it being political and all, but this just made her pissed off! I told her that I was gonna tell my parent's tonight and we could figure something out. When my mom came home, turns out my aunt told her--which I wasn't mad at, since I wasn't comfortable admitting it yet, and better it be her than me. She was VERY angry: she was talking about suing the school, but couldn't since they were private. So she vowed the next day that SHE was going to have a meeting with the principle.
Thank God I wasn't there when she had it, because my mom was not a pretty picture from what she told her. She said stuff like: "How dare you put my son through this" "Kids everywhere commit suicide from this, and you made everything much worse" and that this was going to be the meeting. She said the principle was very shocked and hesitant, and she even said "I can't discuss this matter without the pastor here". That set my mom off, so she snapped: "Why? Whats he going to do? 'Pray the gay Away'?"
So I left the school, and I went at a charter school. I've made new friends who were something that I NEVER saw at the old school's.
Being out of the closet honestly is the biggest relief: you can be free with yourself. And as feminine as I am, I am manly also, but I rarely show it.
I started to find my passions after leaving that school: reading and writing. Sasha, booktuber, and one of my closest friends, Erin (who shares this blog and our instagram account with me), brought me to books, which are my obsessions, something I never would have said back then. Books and fictional characters' have shaped me into the person I am today, brought me through the tough time's of my life, and I am forever grateful for those two introducing me to books...I just hope one day that Sasha would follow us :)
I watched RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 after I was forced to come out, and I was touched by how open those queens are of themselves and I admire them so much for it. Queen's such as Adore Delano and Bianca Del Rio and RuPaul herself, have helped me become more open about myself. No, I'm not going to be a drag queen though :)
***
So, yeah. It wasn't my ideal way of coming out, but I'm just happy that I'm out. It honestly is liberating to know that your not hiding something anymore, that you can go through the world in happiness and being yourself. Because with all truth, theres no other feeling like it.
Thank You all for reading and Thank you to all you guys who were mentioned in this, because you have served a purpose in my life, along with thousand's of others :)
And remember, if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Amen!
Until then, tons of thank's, kiss's and God Bless ! :)
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